IT’S all kicking off on Love Island this week, after contestants were informed that they would have to choose one of their fellow contestants to be sacrificed to an ancient lava demon that lives in the realm beneath the very ground they walk on.
Danny, Amber, Arabella, Steve, Chip, Winston, Mary, Keith and Dave The Mad Bastard will first have to perform a blood ceremony to see if they are pure enough to appease the tastes of the ageless beast that lurks beneath Love Island, before nominating one member to be hurled into the active volcano overlooking the villa.
Should resistance be met by the nominated party, the Love Islanders have been given specific instructions as to how they should suppress their sacrifice, and ensure that Amor Ksharl receives his bi-centennial offering.
“There is no glistening torso that can best the immortal Ksharl” growled the high priest of Love Island.
“These young people are the ideal sacrifice to our ancient dark lord. One of them must be thrown into the fires of Mount Hump, where they will dwell in agony as Amor Ksharl consumes their mortal form. After that, will Maura get off with Anton? Stay tuned to find out!”
ITV bosses have been begged to stop the sacrifice taking place, but seem content to let whatever happens happen, as long as the hashtag keeps trending.