Local Man Forced To Include Epilepsy Warning Sign With Christmas Lights


TRAMORE native Noel Cross has been handed a strict list of demands from local authorities in regards to the Christmas illuminations around his home, in a bid to avert a number of potentially fatal incidents arising from the sheer amount of flashing shit he has going at the same time.

Cross has 4 days to bring his house, described locally as ‘a fucking eyesore’, up to codes outlined by Epilepsy Ireland, the Irish Aviation Authority, the Coast Guard, local Gardaí, and The Irish Society For Taste & Decency, or face having his electricity cut off entirely.

“We’re going to need strobe warning signs erected around the property, and that spotlight beaming the baby Jesus up into the stratosphere has got to go entirely,” said a local councilman, who received complaints about Cross’s house from literally everyone in Waterford.

“Plus there are several illuminations that beam blinding lights directly into oncoming traffic, as well as several figurines that are offensive to pretty much every major religion. Mr. Cross has obviously spent a lot of money and fuck all time decorating his house, so we’re not trying to ruin his Christmas or anything. But seriously lad… could you at least try to put all your lights on one setting? Why have some blinking, some steady on, and the rest on random? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Mr. Cross was unavailable for comment, as he was heading in to town to buy even more lights, just to spite everyone.