Cork Cougar Captured By Authorities Chatting Student Up At Bar


IN RECENT DAYS Cork had been awash with sightings of a deadly cougar but authorities have this morning put residents’ minds at ease after successfully apprehending the cougar as she chatted up a second year UCC student.

“We have it all under control,” confirmed Sergeant Derek Cummins speaking to media outside a Cork city bar as he hauled 52-year-old cougar Ailbhe Glassan behind him in a net.

It is believed Glassan was captured after a special Cougar Containment Unit shot the temptress with a tranquilizer dart in the neck.

Glassan, on the 4th G&T of the evening refused to go with Gardaí and the CCU needed three more darts to subdue her before she had a chance to tell student Davey Pollock he reminded her of a young George Clooney.

“It’s all down to the quick thinking of barman Billy Laffin, who rang us as soon as he saw the cougar lock eyes on her prey,” added Cummins who believes the people of Cork now have nothing to fear.

Cougar sightings had reached an all time high in the county as college students started their academic year and began socialising in bars and at house parties, the very sorts of circumstances that draws out the average cougar from the wild Cork countryside.

“Thanks to the tirelessly work of the Garda you are now free again to play in the streets, drink in bars and take up your position in a queue in the chipper at 2am without fear of a cougar pouncing,” concluded Sergeant Cummins.