Taoiseach Criticises Media For Not Licking His Hole 24/7

THE TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has hit out at the media, bemoaning the horrible reality that, as magnaminous leader of the Irish people, he is only fawned over by the media 23 and a half hours a day, every day of the week.

Sharing his sympathies with the struggles US president Donald Trump has had in battling with the ‘enemy of the people’, Varadkar criticised the Irish media when attending a private function in New York, which was part of Ireland’s push to join the UN Security Council. A push which every Irish media outlet attended, regurgitating every soundbite Varadkar and his Communications Unit had to utter.

Varadkar, who’s hole only remains unlicked by the media for a very small portion of the average 7-day week, could have had his nose put out of joint after he was asked about his party’s arrangements in the Dáil with convicted criminal Michael Lowry by the Irish media.

“Come on guys, you know the drill. What did we practice? ‘Leo is young, dynamic, openly gay, socially progressive, half-Indian, fit, handsome and a God. It’s all Fianna Fáil’s fault, spit on Sinn Féin’. Okay, one more time folks,” one Government spokesperson said to a group of journalists who had momentarily escaped a pen in which they reside and regularly lick the Taoiseach and his party’s hole from.

With absolutely no evidence at present of a housing, health or homeless crisis currently in Ireland, it is easy to understand why the Taoiseach was so shocked any media outlet could find fault with his continued existence as Ireland’s saviour, and this is not the first time the media has been so mean and unfair to him.

“What next from these horrible evil bastards, are they going to tell us that vermin who don’t get up early in the morning are real people too?” asked one spokesman for the Taoiseach who doesn’t speak for the Taoiseach.