LAST night, the England team did the unthinkable; they progressed through to the next round of the competition by beating a team in a penalty shoot-out. As such, we have moved the England World Cup Doomsday Clock forward by five minutes to 11:55PM, the closest it has been in decades to 12 midnight, and total England World Cup victory.
Although the chances of England winning the World Cup remains a distant and improbable threat, it would be foolish to not prepare for such an unthinkable scenario. As recent events have shown, this current England squad do not care for people who just want to see them crash out in the knockout stages so that we can all have something to laugh at. Unrest continues to grow in many countries as to what would happen if football does indeed come home, and as such, we have compiled a survival guide for those caught up in the horror of an English World Cup victory:
1) Do not look at the flash
Should Southgate’s men break through the defences put in place to stop them and actually achieve World Cup glory, you will see a bright flash followed by a deafening roar. The flash is caused by millions of English people throwing their arms up in the air at once, causing their jerseys to lift over their white pot bellies, simultaneously reflecting the sunlight and blinding anyone within 5,000 miles. Do not look directly into the flash. Shield your eyes, and hold your nose to avoid being overcome by the ensuing stench of body odour, Lynx Africa, and spilled Carling.
2) Stop, drop, anguish
After England win the World Cup, stop, drop, and wail in anguish. Continue rocking over and back on the ground for as long as you want. The safest place to be in under a table, or under a sturdy door jamb. Keep repeating ‘fuck sake, they’ll be fucking impossible now’ over and over again.
3) Identify England sympathisers
Pro-England sentiment in your country may be stronger than you think. Listen out for traitors who say ‘ah it’s nice for them all the same’ or ‘I’m happy for Southgate’… these people may simply be trying to survive by cosying up to the English by any means necessary, or they may actually be glad that England has won. Either way, they need a kick in the bollocks.
4) Prepare yourself for a World Cup winter.
The resulting fallout of an England World Cup victory will last a minimum of four years, where there is a chance of beating them at the next tournament. This time will be arduous, and like, super annoying. Scientists believe that the smugness from an England World Cup victory may actually cause crops to die in the ground, the sky to darken and the sun to be blotted out. Should England win, there is nothing we can do to prevent this. All we can do is pray it never happens.
5) Oh yeah, take your iodine tablets
They can’t hurt.