AHEAD of his costly taxpayer funded trip to Ireland in August, for which the Vatican will contribute no money towards despite having billions in assets and cash reserves, Pope Francis has echoed the sentiments of Bishop Kevin Doran by stating he will personally hear the confessions of all 1.4 million ‘Yes’ voters in the referendum on the 8th amendment.
The demonic, sinful and murderous Catholics who voted ‘Yes’ will be given the opportunity to beg for forgiveness from Francis when he touches down in Phoenix Park, with a series of drive-thru style confession booths to be installed in the park ahead of his great big mass.
“Pope Francis is looking forward to saving all you heathens from eternal damnation, even those who deny they’re even Catholic, your souls are eroding further for every minute you deny your corruption,” added aide to the Pope and all around laugh-fest Fr. Giorgio Armani.
“Francis will keep the confessions quick, he will be mounted in a confession box on wheels which can reach speeds of 60km, if all you Hell-bound bastards just form an orderly queue in your static confession boxes he can do drive by confession sessions in no time at all,” added Fr. Armani, “just imagine, you can be absolved of the horrible, disgusting voting sins you’ve committed and then just go for a quick look at the deer. Lovely stuff”.
Those profoundly upset, hurt and offended by such claims by the Church, have garnered little sympathy from Fr. Armani.
“Lads, this is literally our Holy bread and butter. This is what we do. If you’re surprised by this, you haven’t been paying attention”.
While the Pope will have time to lecture to and forgive the over 1.4 million who voted to repeal the 8th amendment, it has already been confirmed he won’t be able to answer any questions about the innumerable scandals of the Church.
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