Catastrophic Plunge Drop Freeze Ice Storm Temperature!
WWN can exclusively reveal that Ireland is currently undergoing a massive increase in the reduction of temperatures, which will see a catastrophic plunge in the drop of degrees, leading to conditions almost everyone has experienced, but in the interest’s of making you panic we will be calling an apocalyptic and homicidal ice storm.
Adopting a new system of weather warnings after recent criticism, Met Éireann unveiled its new warnings by issuing its first ever ‘Holy fucking shit’ alert after temperatures hit ‘catastrophic plunge drop freeze ice storm’ also known as 0 degrees or so.
‘Holy fucking shit’ has officially replaced ‘Status Orange’ weather warning, and it is hoped casual swearing and more emotive language will convince the public to be cautious on the roads while making it easier for the media to whip everyone up into a hysterical frenzy.
“Oh my God we’re all going to die,” Brian Barry of Met Éireann explained utilising a series of words that work better on the public and media than actual information.
“Dead. Everyone. Ice kill you. Snow beat you up. Gloves and scarves won’t work. No more sunshine. Ever.” added Barry, reading from a sheet of preprepared phrases.
Elsewhere, the Irish Times, Joe.ie, The Journal and 892 other Irish media outlets have pleaded with the Irish public to put themselves in harms way in a bid to provide the publications with some handy viral videos.
“We’re not fussy, black ice, strong winds, flooding, whatever it is, just film yourself doing something incredibly irresponsible and we’ll either call you an epic banter merchant or set up a petition to have you judged and your life ruined, cheers,” a statement from the Irish media read.
UPDATE: Met Éireann have raised their weather warning to ‘Ah fuck sake’. Ireland is set to turn into a giant ice cube by 6pm this evening.