Nation To Finally Give Up The Drink After Double Price Increase


WORLD leaders, celebrities and millions of social media users across the planet joined together today to congratulate the Irish nation for finally making the first steps to curb its chronic alcohol use, and applauded the government for its genius plan to simply raise the price of beer.

In an unprecedented move, a new Public Health (Alcohol) Bill will seek to double the price of some beers, along with a minimum price set on a standard bottle of 12.5pc wine to the cost of €7.50, forcing some 4.5 million Irish citizens to abstain from drinking indefinitely.

“The idea was really the result of a group effort,” a bashful Leo Varadkar told journalists outside the Dáil, while ministers flanking him, took turns to pat each other on the back, “our main goal was to stop the working class from being able to afford cans so they can get up earlier and work in jobs that we chose for them that they absolutely hate.

“We had no idea the whole country would follow suit and quit drinking – it’s a great achievement for me,” he added, before jogging off along a sunset lit Kildare Street.

In a knock on effect, thousands of pubs and off licences are set to close over the coming weeks, with the exchequer expected to lose 1.2 billion euros a year as a result of Ireland not drinking.

“I’ll probably take up neuroscience in college, or something like that,” one homeless man told this reporter as he started folding up his house for the last time, “I’m just glad it’s finally over, the last 40 years is a total haze for me, well done Leo”.