WWN KidZ: What To Do When Dad Says ‘Ask Mam’ And Mam Says ‘Ask Dad’


HEYA kids, it’s your ol’ pal WWN back with more helpful tips to get your way around the house! Mammy and Daddy being big stinky heads, not letting you watch the iPad all day, or eat Nutella straight from the tub? Need to know exactly how to ask correctly in order to get your way? Follow these rules:

1) Pick whichever parent you think will be a weak touch, the one most likely to cave. For demonstration purposes, let’s say it’s your Dad. He won’t want to give in straight away, so he’ll tell you to ‘go ask your Mum’.

2) Go ask your Mum. She’ll say ‘absolutely not’, but in a bid to not look like the bad parent, she’ll say ‘go ask your Dad’.

3) Go ask your Dad again. He’ll tell you that he said to ‘go ask your Mum’.

4) Again, go ask your Mum. She’s probably busy doing something, so she’ll just send you right back into the other room to ask your Dad.

5) One more time, back to your Dad. He might be getting annoyed right now, so he’ll send you right back in to your Mum.

6) “Mum, can I….?” And back you go to Dad.

7) “Dad, why can’t I have…?”… ‘go ask your mother’.

8) You go back to your mother, but something is wrong. She’s pouring beans into a bowl, but the bowl is overflowing, spilling beans onto the counter-top. “Guhr ahrsk yur fahrthur”, she says.

9) You return to your Dad, who appears to be plunging a screwdriver into a circuitry board in his chest. “Oh hello”, he says, his voice now robotic and distorted. “Didn’t see you there. Come give Daddy a huugzzzzz”. Sparks fly from his eyes. You run screaming back to your mum.

10) “GO ASK YOUR FATHER GO ASK YOUR FATHER GO ASK YOUR FATHER” screams your mother, chopping a carrot at incredible speed, until she’s cutting straight through the worktop. He arm smashes off, revealing a web of pistons and cables underneath. “FUR GASK OR YARTHER” she yells. You run back into the hall.

11) “Did you ask your mother?” says the Dad-bot that has replaced your loving father, as his plastic skin melts off his face revealing a terrifying metal skull. You realise that your parents have been replaced by androids, maybe a long time ago, you cannot be sure. Your persistent nagging has caused them to short-out, and now they seem to want to eat your legs.

12) Run! And never stop running. Find a hedge that you can live under. You’re a hedge child now.

Next week on WWN KidZ: Coping With Your New Life As A Hedge Child.