How To Lie & Tell Him He’s The Biggest You’ve Ever Had, A Guide


A DELICATE situation. A fragile ego. Floods of tears.

An unconvincing ‘oh my God it’s so big’ can devastate a man, hurtling him into an existential hole from which he may never return. And if you’re the kindly sort that wants to keep up the illusion that you didn’t get the ride of your life off that German lad who was over in Ireland for a stag last year, you may need to up your lying game. After all, it’s for a good cause.

Here’s some simple steps to help you lie and tell him he’s the biggest you’ve ever had:

Act shocked every time you see it

Sure, he’s whipped it out like 50,000 times at this stage, he’s done windmills with it, you’ve sung into it, pretending it’s a microphone, but if you want to continue this charade then you must recoil in equal parts horror and intrigue when you lay your eyes on his member.

Practice your shocked look in the mirror, watch all of Meryl Streep’s movies in order to prepare. How good are you at pretending to faint from shock?

Drop subtle compliments

“I’ve seen smaller nuclear warheads” or “I think the Empire State Building has some competition” should do the trick.

Double down on the compliments

Going for a romantic walk in Dublin? Why not say something like ‘the Spire, now that reminds me of something’ while smiling and sending a pervy look towards his crotch area. Licking your lips with delight is optional.

Give his penis a suitable nickname

Pole Vault, Mount Everest = good. Teeny Tiny Peeny Weeny = bad.

All that’s left to do is sit back and admire how masterfully you dodged the ‘no actually, remember my ex, the one you’re paranoid about? His lad was the size of a giraffe’s neck’ bullet.