Stop Eating Food. Immediately


HEALTHY, convenient and increasingly popular over the past few years, food has become as common a phenomenon as breathing or urinating, but it turns out eating may not be as wholesome as everyone thought.

Currently the Irish food market is worth $14 billion euros every year to the exchequer, however, a recent study has shown food is actually slowly killing everyone on the planet, with a staggering 96% mortality rate among humans.

“Almost everyone who died in our 50 year study were chronic eaters,” explains Professor Terrence Smith of Oxford University, England, “that’s an incredible amount of people when you think about it.

“In fact, there’s people dying now that never died before in their lives”.

According to Professor Smith, eating related deaths has now hit “epidemic levels”, with him now calling on the government to invest more into researching the link between eating and dying.

“How many more food products have to be labelled as unhealthy before they realise that food itself is the problem,” he added, “people need to stop eating food immediately if they want to live a full and healthy lifestyle”.

So what should we eat instead? Professor Smith swears by intravenous drips and includes at least ten litres of water into his diet every day.

“Having a drip hooked up to your veins all day can be a bit of a pain,” he admitted, “but it’s certainly better than slowly dying for 80 years”.

Join us in tomorrow’s health supplement when we investigate the dangers of breathing.