“Throwing UK Politics Into Chaos” – May Reveals Naughtiest Thing She Has Done
AMENDING her answer to a question she gave while avoiding the election campaign, Tory leader Theresa May has confirmed that the naughtiest thing she has ever done was not running through a wheat field like some sort of council estate animal, instead confirming it is now throwing UK politics into utter chaos.
With mouths still agape as the final election results return a surge in Labour votes and seats, PM May confirmed calling a snap election and faffing about for 8-weeks instead of justing forging ahead with Brexit negotiations was indeed the height of her bad and poorly judged behaviour.
“Yup, I think this eclipses cutting funding to domestic abuse shelters,” May mused with the forced smile the British public has grown to distrust over the course of this election campaign and her entire time in politics.
“Who knew some British voters didn’t want to punish the poor or dismantle the NHS, but now I might not even get to do that since I’ve plunged us all into a chaotic clusterfuck. Naughty Theresa, naughty,” May added while gently slapping herself and laughing in a way that made everyone uncomfortable.
As May insists any ensuing chaos would be of the strong and stable kind that can be relied upon for years, much of the British voting public, proud to have voted for policies which espoused hope and not the fear peddled by the Tories, are beginning to realise the error of their ways.
“Wait. Fuck, does this mean Boris fucking Johnson could be Prime fucking Minister? Fuck,” a frankly worried looking British public said as pressure on May to resign mounts.
Elsewhere, The Sun and The Daily Mail have confirmed Jeremy Corbyn has already begun opening up pogroms around the country, increased tax on the rich to 130% and would be nationalising ISIS despite the fact he did not win the election.