Erdogan Moves Onto Arresting Outspoken Goats

Turkey’s president Recep Tayyip Erdogan has turned his attention to the disloyal and famously coup-prone goat population as his crackdown on the civil liberties of his enemies continue.

Erdogan has redefined enemies in the Turkish dictionary to mean ‘anyone I don’t like the look of’ in the wake of the recent failed coup, and following the news that he has run out of human enemies, the embattled leader has begun arresting and imprisoning goats.

The goat arrests come after a diplomatic spat arose between Erdogan and Germany last year when a German TV host, Jan Böhmermann, referred to Erdogan as a ‘goat fucker’ prompting the semi-professional dictator to demand the extradition of the host to Turkey.

“He is weary of his reputation as a goat fucker, and is seeking to silence any goats who seek to undermine him by speaking out,” a source close to the goat fucker, Erdogan, explained to WWN.

“It is one thing to suspend thousands of teachers, demand the resignation of thousands of university lecturers, arrest pretty much everyone you don’t like and threaten execution, but perhaps he has gone too far with the goat arrests,” the source suggested, “president Erdogan asked me to limit the amount of times his name is linked to goat fucking, as before long it might be one of the first things that comes up in a Google search of his name”.

It is not yet known if these goat arrests will solve the problem of everyone associating Erdogan with the act of fucking a goat, or if Erdogan will become a name as synonymous with goat fucking as with the slow and systematic dismantling of a country’s secular sovereignty and freedom of expression.