Ronaldo Confirms He Could Get Life In Prison If He Wanted


AN incensed Cristiano Ronaldo confirmed in a press conference this afternoon that he had full belief in his abilities and could eclipse Lionel Messi when it comes to footballing talent and being punished for breaking the law.

Ronaldo, who was expected to discuss Portugal’s upcoming Euro 2016 semi-final against Wales, instead embarked on a tirade, claiming he could receive much more than just a 21-month suspended prison sentence, if he desired.

“I’ll cut a bitch to prove it,” Ronaldo remarked while clutching his teammate Nani in a headlock and brandishing a knife, “you think I couldn’t get a more severe sentence than Messi, I’ll prove you wrong. I could get life,” the Madrid man confirmed with a wild look in his eyes.

Ronaldo, famously irked by the Argentinian footballer being referred to as the best in the world, made vague references to Messi throughout his hostage taking of a worried looking Nani.

“Tax evasion and fraud are boring, unimaginative, I don’t why so many people are talking about it. If I was to break the law I would do it in a more creative and superior way,” Ronaldo explained, before outlining the various ways he would cut up bodies and store them in his freezer.

Ronaldo was restrained by security guards after becoming distracted when he noticed his own reflection in the blade of the knife he was holding.

Elsewhere, there was confusion amongst football fans earlier this afternoon as precisely 40,000 media outlets chose to lead with the news that Lionel Messi was sentenced to 21 months in prison in their headlines, despite being fully aware that due to Spanish law, he would not have to serve any time in prison.

“Who gives a fuck about basic journalistic standards when we get clicks,” the media responded.