No Toilet Roll: Your Next 5 Options

IT’S the worst thing that can happen to you in life, you’re using a public bathroom or a toilet round your mate’s house, and after dropping the silage into the pit, you realise there’s no toilet roll. Why didn’t you check before you started? It’s too late now! Luckily, there’s a few options open to you…

1) Start a fire

By any means necessary. The ensuing inferno should give you a reasonable excuse as to why you’ve got a dirty bum when the fire brigade haul your smoke-damaged, barely breathing self out of the ashes.

2) Call in a bomb threat

In your best Middle Eastern accent, ring a local Garda station and claim to be a member of ISIS. People are so scared of ISIS, they will believe anything you say. If you tell them that ISIS is going to blow up the Costa you’re in right now, they’ll be there in seconds and the arising confusion will allow you to crab-walk to the disabled jacks and get a few squares.

3) Just stay put

Is it so bad, to live in a toilet?

4) Fake your own death

How long can you hold your breath? long enough to fool somebody looking for signs of life? You may be able to use this to trick people into thinking you’re dead, so that you can start a new life somewhere nobody knows you as “shitty arse” for the rest of your days.

5) Socks

Would anyone notice if you were wearing one sock for the rest of the day? How closely are they going to look at your feet, really.