WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

You continue to take cocaine this week, even though it makes you nervous and in need of a crap every four minutes. Why do you bother?

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Lots of bad shit happening for you this week. Why did your parents have you at this time of year, seriously. If you’d been a Gemini, you’d be grand.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You’re grand.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Caught singing along to Taylor Swift, scarlet for you.

Leo July 23 – August 22

You do a massive poop and you really wish you had someone in your life that you could share this information with.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You weren’t thinking about camels, but you are now.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Introducing new Libra Zero: everything about your life, except all the shit bits.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Smiling and nodding has gotten you this far, but pretty soon these cops are going to want an answer.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You find a penny, pick it up, and get hit by a car.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Nice hairdo, asshole! Ha ha ha!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Quit buying shit you see on the telly at four in the morning.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Have you paid your Irish Water bill? If not, you can pay online, or at your local post office.

Horoscope sponsored by Irish Water PLC