America Concerned It Hasn’t Started A War In Awhile


LARGE swathes of the American population have spoken for the first time of their worry that their Nation’s military has not been overtly engaged in significant combat missions in recent years.

Following the exit of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan in recent years, the leaders of the free world have not attempted to occupy foreign lands, sparking severe withdrawal symptoms in many non-military serving Americans.

“I didn’t miss it much at first,” admitted pro-war American Donny Heath, “but then the shakes started, and my TV viewing habits changed. I was forced to watch documentaries in order to see the American flag planted on foreign soil by American soldiers and I just didn’t get high off that the same way I did when I knew it was happening live”.

“And part of me, in the back of mind wonders since it has been so long since the last one could we even do it again? Have we forgotten how to war?”

These sentiments were echoed by Anthony Clements, a Republican congressman who has agitated for war since the withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan.

“You’ll see my record is second to none in congress, no other senator has said ‘let’s start a war’ more times than Anthony Garfield Clements and that’s a promise,” Clements said before repeating the phrase several times before departing.

The need and desire of many Americans to send people who are not themselves in to hostile environments on foreign soil has received a huge boost in the form of Donald Trump’s continued presence in the race for the Republican presidential nomination.

“When I look at him, I think there’s a man who could sleep walk us into conscription and near destruction and to be honest, I kinda like him,” admitted blood lust enthusiast and American citizen Bernie Lowney.

A petition entitled ‘start a war, any war, honestly anywhere, just so long as I get my kicks’ has received 4 million signatures in the last week and will come as a huge boost to arms manufacturers.

Additionally, Donald Trump’s latest press conference consisted of the presidential hopeful saying the words ‘fuck you’ repeatedly followed by the name of each and every country on earth.