WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

It’s your wedding anniversary; 25 years today! You know, if you’d killed your spouse when you met them, you’d probably be out of jail right now! Ha ha! Ah, who are we kidding; you’d be out of jail for the past 20 years. This is Ireland.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Nice hat, asshole! Ha ha ha! Sorry, that was mean.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Oh man. You made some show of yourself last night. Good job nobody has cameras on their phones. Good job that these non-existent phones with cameras can’t upload video directly onto social media. Good job that’s not a thing.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

We’re as serious as Cancer when we say you can’t dance worth a shit.

Leo July 23 – August 22

You will meet a tall dark stranger, and immediately grip your handbag a bit tighter because you’re a massive racist.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You will invent a brand new smiley this week; the “what’s that fucking smell?” smiley.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Take the time today to go for a walk, clear your head. It will do wonders for you. Seriously. We’re not being smart. It’s just a fun, relaxing thing to do.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You finally smell what the Rock is cooking.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, would you still want to stare at your phone?

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Double-click on your life, and drag it to the recycle bin. Open a new folder. Fill it with porn and downloaded boxsets.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You are forced to delete your Tinder and start a new profile, and not be so picky this time around.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Have you paid your Irish Water bill? if not, you can pay online, or at your local post office. Horoscope sponsored by Irish Water PLC