Average Leaving Cert Student Asked About Leaving Cert 3.47 Times Per Second


IN a move which seems to suggest the entire Nation is ignorant to the huge pressures felt by Leaving Cert students, it has been revealed that students sitting the exams are asked about them an average of 3.47 times per second.

“Oh, the Leaving Cert! Not long now, eh” is the most uttered phrase by friends, family and complete strangers when interacting with over 50,000 students sitting the exams, bringing about the unintended consequence of driving students to the brink of lunacy.

“I know some people mean well but fuckin’ hell it’s grating,” explained Carlow student Kevin Burke, who became so frustrated by the drawing of attention to his upcoming exams he decided to get ‘Yes I’m doing the Leaving Cert. Not sure what points I’ll get. Yeah, I’m doing honours Maths. Commerce in UCD hopefully’ tattooed on his forehead.

Students have banded together to launch the ‘I am more than the just the Leaving Cert exams I sit’ campaign, aimed at encouraging people to converse with them on any subject that isn’t related to the Leaving Cert.

“I’d happily talk about how much I masturbate at this point, I’m that sick of all the LC talk, honestly, I would,” explained Alan Cummings, a Wexford student.

Some reports in the media have even suggested there are roaming bands of elderly people approaching anyone who looks ‘Leaving Cert age’ just so they can berate them with questions about the exams.

It is also thought relatives of students use the exams as a sort of conversational crutch to lean on as they honestly haven’t a clue what to say to a 17 or 18-year-old half the time.

“It just seems like a good to go topic,” explained Maura Jennings, whose niece is sitting the exams this year, “I’m just being polite really, I couldn’t give a shite but I don’t want her to know that”.

Worried parents of Leaving Cert students have moved on from politely pointing out the exams are close on the horizon to now actively trying to convince their children to cheat.

“We’ve had to get the Gardaí involved on several occasions in the last few days,” a department of education spokesman told WWN.

“One parent in the Dublin area had hired a plane with the intention of skywriting all of his son’s notes across the skyline as he knew his son would have a clear view of a window in the exam hall”.