Business Sales Guy Just Wants To Touch Base With You


BUSINESS sales guy Jonathan Corcoran just wants to touch base with you about your new start-up project to help build your business’s core competency, he revealed in a six minute voicemail earlier.

Corcoran (36), explained he is reaching out to you on a B2B basis in a bid to help you ‘make hay’ while the economic sun shines.

“I’m just touching base with you on a personal level to see if we can collaborate in some sort of capacity going forward,” he read into the phone from a script written by fellow colleague and genius Fiachra Murphy. “Me and the guys here at Integrated Marketing Solution Dublin would love to have a chat with you about your new venture over coffee.

“Your business model looks positive and we believe our thinking outside-the-box approach will be beneficial for you going forward,” he added.

Making absolutely no verbal sense whatsoever, the recently hired college graduate followed up his cold-call with a series of jargon ridden emails – if anything – to help him recap on the vast amount of bullshit he just spewed.

However, when asked what base he wanted to touch exactly, the confused salesman was immediately thrown off guard and forced to confer with the rest of the sales team, who were also left bewildered by the odd but up-front question.

Panicking over the challenge, CEO Karl Murray decided to take the correspondent reigns from Corcoran, sending a large list of buzzwords to you in an attempt to save face.

“Return of investment. Touchpoint. Mindshare?” he wrote in the desperate response, hoping its vague nature would somehow make some sort of sense to you. “Crystallization? Logistics? Going forward?”

Following your failure to reply, Integrated Marketing Solution Dublin later announced it will be downsizing its operations over the next few weeks in a bid to figure out what it is exactly the company does.