Aries March 21 – April 19
This week you will question why you ever spent that €23,000 on Pokemon memorabilia.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Love just isn’t on your side this week as 12 of your Tinder matches send you a total of 234 pictures of their penises.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Take confidence from the fact that you have successfully avoided dying via an act of gross stupidity, other than that you remain fairly useless.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week you will finally finish that book you were writing about a woman falling in love with a man. Make sure to post it to publishers immediately as I’m sure they’re interested in the romantic adventures of a Geography teacher and a protein shake sales rep.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Rar! You’re a lion.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
With Uranus impossibly close to Mars, there’s never been a better time to invest all your savings in your new designs for that hoover/toilet hybrid.
Libra September 23 – October 22
This week’s Libra was refused planning permission.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
The highlight of your week will be a daydream in which you rescue Mila Kunis from Hitler as he rides into battle on his army of dinosaurs.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Have chomp bars gotten smaller or is it just me?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week you will be randomly chosen by NASA to be launched directly into the Sun just to see what will happen. Bring sun cream.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Your family camping trip will be ruined when a group of bears arrive and insist on camping in the spot next to you, making awkward chit chat throughout.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Eh, okay, sure why not get a pet goldfish, it’s not like your buying it to further distract from that thing we don’t talk about.