Aries March 21 – April 19
No this week is a load of shite as well, sorry. Best check back next Monday, maybe things will be less shite then, no guarantee though.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
This week you will have an awkward dream about the guy who sits next to you in work. Who knew overweight and smelly John could be such a virile lover?
Gemini May 21 – June 20
To avoid acknowledging that you really dislike your children, this week you will just keep ‘forgetting’ to pick them up from school. Unfortunately, try as you might the State still has no interest in taking them away from you.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week you will reconnect with an old friend and become really annoyed that they seem to be getting on much better in life than you.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Leo has decided to leave the starsign community this week due to increased austerity measures.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Oh my God! This week you meet snooker legend Steve Davis! What do you mean you couldn’t give a shit? There’s no pleasing some people.
Libra September 23 – October 22
This week’s highlight comes when you spot your house on TV as you watch the Six One news. The low-light however, is that the reason it is on TV is because your family are at the centre of a kidnap and ransom ordeal.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Some people speculate you were born this way, but prove them wrong by trying this week to be less a colossal prick.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week your husband talks you into going to a swingers party, but it doesn’t go to plan for you after you get left with Michael, your disgusting neighbour. Meanwhile, your husband snags Azelia, the Brazilian model from across the way and he then proposes making swingers night a weekly thing.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
While 2015 hasn’t got off to the best start for you, it’s important to remain positive and upbeat. It’s also important to delete your search history on your computer. How many times do you have to get caught by your wife before you learn this lesson?
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week, due to feeling lonely after your latest break up you decide to take acid in an attempt to take your mind off things. Unfortunately, you end up seeing unicorn couples holding hands everywhere you go.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Becoming a parent isn’t easy, but becoming a parent to four children all from different mothers is especially tough as you will find out later this week.