2018 Will See 12 Aldi & Lidl Stores For Every Person In Ireland



THE rapid rise of the European supermarket giants Aldi and Lidl is set to continue unabated in the years leading up to 2018, at which point the country will be at saturation point, an industry source has revealed.

With Aldi and Lidl expanding into new towns and villages in Ireland on a weekly basis, it is projected that by 2018 there will be as many as 12 stores for every Irish person in the country.

“They’ve lost the plot,” confirmed local planning officer for south Dublin Geoff Hardiman, “well actually they’ve bought 42 plots there last week. There is a loophole in the planning process which means if you write ‘jobs’ in big scrawly writing across the front of your application it has to be granted. This can’t be sustained”.

The one-upmanship between the retail giants has seen their fight for superiority spill over into Ireland in recent years. The industry insider has made some startling statements in regards to the two chains.

“The bosses at each company just keep leaving each other voicemails with stuff like ‘opened 5 five in Cork there in the space of 10 minutes, how’s your Monday going?’ I don’t think they know how to stop,” the insider explained.

Despite the criticism, a comical sounding German spokesperson for Aldi confirmed there will be no problems with their expansion, but the incredibly frustrating small number of open tills will continue.

“We’re actually expanding at a slower rate than the waistlines of Irish children, so what we will have is incredibly plumb kinder running around gorging in two, three, maybe four of our stores. We’ll easily hit record profits in 2018,” Franz Hauser confirmed.

While the supermarket giants deny any sinister overtones to their expansion, many fringe groups are weary.

“How can you not see it? The shops they are building are actually weaponised structures waiting to be mobilised by the German government if we step out of line in any way,” explained paranoia expert Jim Corr.

A spokesperson for the Irish ministry of defence bizarrely validated some of Mr. Corr’s claims.

“The Germans are a pragmatic people and it seems the tensions between rival firms Aldi and Lidl has seen them transfer their battlefields to arable land here in Ireland, and things look set to kick off around 2018,” the spokesperson confirmed.

94 Aldi and Lidl stores have been built in the time it took you to read this article.