It’s The FWWNWCRU (Final WWN World Cup Round Up)

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WWN has all you need to know on the World Cup final and more.

Germany emerged victorious from the 2014 World Cup in Brazil much to the delight of German people, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Pictures circulating on social media have suggested the German team also won pop star Rihanna in addition to the World Cup itself, after pictures emerged of players posing with their trophies. FIFA has launched an investigation into how they accidentally gifted the team the pop singer.

Following his impressive showing as manager, serial nose picker Joachim Loew has secured a lucrative sponsorship deal with German manufacturer Der Nosepicker, who specialise in clearing excess and unwanted mucus from the nostrils. “It’s a dream come true,” Loew said of the deal, which nets him €4 million.

Mario Gotze scored the final’s winning goal in spectacular fashion, meaning he has finally emerged from the shadow of similar sounding singer Gotye. “It is a great relief,” said the Somebody I Used To Know singer, eh, I mean Gotze.

WWN can confirm reports that head of FIFA Sepp Blatter sat beside Vladimir Putin at last night’s final, however, WWN cannot confirm Blatter passed Putin a list of names and instructed Putin to ‘make them disappear Vlad’.

Lionel Messi will return to Argentina for a week’s holiday before joining back up with his parent club Barcelona. He is expected to line up on a busy thoroughfare in Buenos Aires and allow every Argentinian to tell him to his face that he is not Maradonna. The striker failed to beat 11 men, largely by himself, for the 7th game running. A disgrace.

Messi’s World Cup was not all that bad, following his team’s loss he received Fifa’s official ‘world’s saddest man’ trophy.

Following Brazil’s third place playoff loss to the Netherlands David Luiz has admitted to a rare condition known as ‘can’t defend to save his life’.

Netherlands manager Louis Van Gaal has confirmed to excited Man United fans, he hopes to replicate his World Cup success with United by finishing 3rd this coming season.

The World Cup has come to a close with over 9,000 goals scored in 64 matches. The games also saw 345 sendings off, 3 orgies, 9 broken funny bones and an average of 1.4 million ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ uttered during each game.

WWN has reproduced a number of reports below involving FIFA chief Sepp Blatter in an attempt to clarify some of his perceived misdeeds, which upon closer inspection reveal the Swiss native is merely misunderstood due to irresponsible media reporting:

WWN can still not confirm reports Sepp Blater has melted down the World Cup trophy in a Rio Cash For Gold outlet.

WWN cannot confirm reports that Sepp Blatter had placed a $1 million bet on Germany winning 7-1 right before Tuesday night’s kick off.

WWN cannot confirm reports that Sepp Blatter awarded the 2014 World Cup to Brazil in an effort to track down and reunite former Nazis believed to be in exile in South America. Blatter is believed to be spearheading an ingenious and villainous plan akin to the one drawn up in the popular Hollywood movie The Boys From Brazil, which starred Laurence Olivier and Gregory Peck.

WWN cannot confirm reports that Sepp Blatter threw Michel Plantini into the trunk of his car, drove for hours deep into the Amazon rain forest and forced the former French captain and current Uefa president to dig his own grave.

WWN cannot confirm reports that head of FIFA Sepp Blatter only comes out at night, hates garlic and has no reflection.

WWN cannot confirm reports that Sepp Blatter bribed the entire Cameroon team to throw their match against Croatia earlier in the tournament.

WWN cannot confirm that Sepp Blatter entered the hotel where the Ghanian team were staying yesterday afternoon and stole the $3 million bonuses they had recently received, paid in cash, from their FA. Blatter was later seen fleeing the scene via a rooftop helicopter.

WWN cannot confirm FIFA President Sepp Blatter’s business card simply says ‘I’m the motherfucking King!’ accompanied with details on where to deposit the money.

WWN cannot confirm that Sepp Blatter has opened up 7,431 separate accounts in the Cayman Islands all under the names of Nazi war criminals.

WWN cannot confirm reports that FIFA president Sepp Blatter will give Iran an automatic place in the next round if they let him borrow their nuclear warheads for a week or two.

WWN cannot confirm reports that Sepp Blatter has begun tunneling underneath the Brazilian Central Bank in an attempt to steal the country’s cash reserves.

WWN cannot confirm reports that while no one was looking Sepp Blatter annexed Poland.

WWN cannot confirm reports Sepp Blatter was seen in the stands of the Colombia and Ivory Coast game sitting on a throne made entirely out of $1000 bills.

WWN cannot confirm reports Sepp Blatter has taken some of Fifa’s cash reserves to build a giant laser-based weapon on the surface of the Moon.

WWN cannot confirm reports linking Sepp Blatter with the ISIS insurgency in Iraq.

WWN cannot confirm the rumours that Sepp Blatter convened an emergency sitting of the FIFA council in a Brazilian brothel at 3am as he tabled a motion to change the official name of the game from football to Seppball.

WWN cannot confirm reports that FIFA president Sepp Blatter demanded a Rio orphanage be demolished to make room for a lavish drinks reception held before the Argentina match last night.

WWN cannot confirm Sepp Blatter held a secret meeting with Fifa’s executive committee in order to make a number of small rule changes which would see him only addressed as ‘Our Glorious Leader’.

WWN cannot confirm reports Sepp Blatter was making his way around Rio’s flavelas slapping each and every child he encountered across the face.

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