Lonely Dublin Clamper Just Wants To Be Friends


Mark Stone clampers LBS Enforcement

Gary Chambers, a 42-year-old man from Dublin and employee of a clamping company has notched up a record 300 clamping incidents this week breaking the previous record of 299 held by another clamper from the previous day.

WWN spoke exclusively to Gary on this, a most historic day in the history of Irish clamping.

“I just do it to try and make friends,” Gary confessed to this reporter confirming what many have long suspected about clampers: they are desperately sad and lonely people.

“I used to leave little notes on the sticker I slap on the cars like ‘have a nice day’ or ‘it’s good to be nice and it’s nice to be good’, and one time I just put on ‘I’m so lonely please, anyone, talk to me.”

I laughed to myself as I made my way around Gary’s house, his cupboards were only decorated by one glass, one plate and one bowl. ‘What a pathetic bastard’ I thought to myself out loud in front of him.

“I guess it’s just not that easy being vilified ya know. I’d be on nights out and if I mentioned I was a clamper people would just punch me the face and spit on me. Now they are so disgusted they don’t even bother,” Gary tearily explained as he sat on the couch, behind him a wall of framed photos of his best clamping work.

“That one there is my favourite, that’s from outside St. James Hospital, a driver parked on top of several cancer patients killing them instantly, and left his car where ambulances are supposed to arrive in. He was gone for six hours after he had to get a coffee,” Gary said, perking up slightly, “when I came back to take the clamp off, he violently assaulted me, but it’s not all bad, after all, that’s the only time I’ve had real human contact in the past five months”.

I asked Gary was he aware that he is viewed correctly by many as scum of the earth, he nodded as he cried into his tea. I probed further asking him why he clamped so many cars while simultaneously slapping him gently across the face, knocking him to the floor.

“It’s my job and people regularly break the law,” he cryptically replied. Gary, in a display of true evil, even suggested people who park illegally or fail to pay the correct amount in parking fees should pay a fine for the removal of a clamping device. I told him he had lost his mind.

I immediately left Gary’s house, but not before spending several more hours gently slapping him until he was unconscious. I sped away, leaving his crowded housing estate, reaching speeds of close to 150kph before being wrongly pulled over by the Gardaí. Yet another example of how Ireland really has lost the run of itself in recent times.