Colleges Admit Arts Degrees Are Useless

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With the final CAO submission deadline passing on the 1st of July, third-level institutions have issued a statement which finally sees them admit that arts degrees, of any description, are by in large completely useless.

A man dressed in a suit, presumably from one of Ireland’s third-level institutions, appeared in front of a busy press conference to shrug his shoulders and say ‘sorry’ in response to multiple questions.

“We can’t keep up this charade any longer,” read a section of a statement handed out, confirming what many people have suspected for years. Arts degrees, typically picked by 17 and 18-year-olds who have yet to map out the rest of their lives with clinical precision, have long served as a safe landing pad for students entering college.

Such is the low regard in which many arts degrees are held in by employers some students secretly begin a second degree during the evenings and in the summer months, often online, to alleviate their reliance on the degree that colleges have today called ‘the piece of paper you use to wipe your arse when all other toilet-paper searching avenues have been exhausted’.

Groups of arts student have held ritualistic gatherings in recent years, which has seen them ceremoniously rip up their degrees and post them directly to the minister for education, occasionally including other messages such as a beggin letter, a bomb or an emotive or moving essay about a poem nobody understands.

Many current and former arts students have reacted angrily to the confession by third level institutions today.

“Yeah, thanks for telling me that now, I wasted four years on studying obscure Russian literature and finger painting for nothing,” explained Ally Dunne, “I had to go back and do architecture, if I had known then what I know now, I would have still wasted my time having the craic but it would have been nice to know”.

However, not all arts students reacted negatively to the news. “Look, I had a great time, have a nice life now and put the degree to good use. Have a wife and kids, even managed to increase the auld notches on the bed post during college, without that I’d be staring at a measly 2 instead 3 sexual partners,” said Liam Gormley.

Very few educational institutions have come forward with any advice for arts students past and present so it is has been left to secondary school career guidance counsellors to part with reassuring and comforting words.

“Well, I suppose, you can always do arts…no wait, you can’t, can you? Shite I’ve been rumbled,” John Power, guidance counsellor in St. Brendan’s CBS advised.

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