Local Man Pretty Sure He’s Going ‘All The Way’ With His Hand Tonight



LOCAL Waterford man Niall Strokes was overheard boasting to friends earlier today in the lounge of the Strong Arm Pub about at impending sexual conquest.

“Not wanting to, eh, jinx it or anything boi but I reckon the right hand is gagging for it,” Niall informed confident and fellow sexual speculator Davey Cawley.

Niall is believed to have known his right hand for his entire life, but only developed a close bond upon entering puberty, aged 12. They are rumoured to have enjoyed an on and off again relationship for a number of years.

“You know the feeling, when you look at someone and say ‘this is right, this feels good’, that’s what I feel like with me hand,” a visibly moved Niall shared.

“Some people say I’m a spoofer Davey but you know what? They know nothin’ of the deeper inner workings of my fragile soul. I’m sensitive and loving. Having said that, I’m going to horse it into that right hand tonight something fierce, won’t know what hit it,” Niall loudly proclaimed.

Niall then went on to describe in detail the sexual games he would most definitely be involved in with his right hand later this evening.

Graphic accounts of little known sexual proclivities such as the ‘sleepy tug’, ‘twist and shout’ and ‘done before the Angelus ends’ were mused upon by Niall and Davey for several hours.

“I’ll have music going in the background, get the oils out – the works. D’ya reckon I could get away with filming it with it knowing?” Niall ventured after his fifth pint of the afternoon.