Aries March 21 – April 19
Do you want the bad news or the bad news first?
Taurus April 20 – May 20
This week you will finally meet your birth mother. What do you mean you didn’t know you were adopted.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Jesus, just had a read over your week ahead. Your life is more depressing than a thousand Eastenders episodes. You’re on your own pal.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week will finally see become the vigilante you always threatened to become. You will then spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair.
Leo July 23 – August 22
After giving it some thought, you decide to quit your job and take up giving out on the internet full time. You’ve never been happier.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This coming week sees you finally say ‘enough is enough’. You tell your mother to bring an end to her constant sly comments and ridicule – six long years after she passed away.
Libra September 23 – October 22
You find yourself in good spirit this week, thankful for the friends you have. You are completely unaware they have grown tired of you.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
You can’t control every aspect of your life, but the sex slave you have chained up in the basement doesn’t know that, so don’t let on.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
There has never been a better time to take up a hobby you will drop after a few weeks a half-arsed effort. Go on, seize the day.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Try your best to avoid temptation. You don’t need me to tell you what paying for sex is doing to your bank balance.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You will spend most of the week dreaming about the children you never had due to the fact that the three children you did have are reprehensible pricks.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Lonely, desperate and inadequate are words that describe you perfectly.