WWN Horoscope

Aries  March 21 – April 19

Your solicitor is one of the best in the country, but he will have a hard time convincing the judge that the van full of coke was for personal use.

Taurus  April 20 – May 20

 The remote control is down the side of the couch, the car keys are in your work pants, you came into the kitchen for the scissors and your wife is right as usual: that actors name was Dennis Hopper and not Harvey Keitel.

Gemini  May 21 – June 20

Get back involved in something you believe in. You haven’t worn it since the troubles, but don’t be surprised when your old balaclava still fits. After all, it is made of wool and one size does fit all.

Cancer  June 21 – July 22

Contrary to what your mother believed, you will not be alright before your married. In fact, marriage will never be an option for you, either will sex with another human being. But it is the time for that on-line games console.

Leo  July 23 – August 22

This will be your time for an unexpected windfall. Its just too bad you won’t be around to see it.

Virgo  August 23 – September 22

Things are a little strained right now, but not so much that you can’t work it all out. You do need to try a few experiments before you’re likely to know how to proceed. A Pencil can do the trick, but laxatives are less painful and way more effective.

Libra  September 23 – October 22

Someone from school may want to add you as a friend. Question their motives while you search through their friends list.

Scorpio  October 23 – November 21

You can’t put off dealing with your family any longer — its been three weeks now and their bodies are starting to smell.

Sagittarius  November 22 – December 21

You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t this week when you are eventually cornered in a school playground by 17 armed Gardai all screaming ‘PUT THE GUN DOWN!’.

Capricorn  December 22 – January 19

Pitch your skills and services and don’t be afraid to brag about what you have done, want to do and can offer. Remember: Forty for Oral and sixty the works.

Aquarius  January 20 – February 18

That love relationship you have been dreaming about the last few weeks can turn into something more, but only if you would just stop sending those creepy late night picture messages.

Pisces  February 19 – March 20

You have always hated when your favourite soap ended on a cliff hanger, so you will probably be very disappointed to find out that your biopsy results were lost in the hospitals internal mailing system this week.