THE SPORT of tennis has recorded a sudden and unprecedented number of new fans, all seemingly from the same corner of world where the Earth’s argumentative assholes live and breathe. The huge surge in popularity and increased coverage in the media has stemmed from Naomi Osaka’s historic US Open tennis victory as she became the first Japanese winner of a grand slam.
“Wow, people have really embraced the number 20 seed beating one of the game’s most decorated players,” shared teary-eyed, life-long tennis fan Agnes Butler, who was humbled to see so many people gravitate towards and celebrate a sport she has loved for as long as she can remember.
“Oh, shit, wait – they’re just a bunch of strangers on the internet queuing up to throw abuse at one another over whether or not they side with Serena Williams. Great,” added the octogenarian tennis fan after learning of the endless stream of argumentative assholes who have discussed anything but the match at length, refusing to give an inch to other argumentative assholes when trading opinions on the rules, etiquette and socio-cultural history of tennis while all claiming to be experts.
Not content to let their universally shared life-long disinterest in the sport of tennis stand in the way of arguing with people over an incident they were watching in isolation, the new tennis obsessives went about passing judgement on brief video clips like they possessed a once-in-a-generation genius psycho-analytic mind which could transpose current cultural debates onto a sliced forehand.
“Listen here you knuckle dragging ingrate, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve watched Robert Fedex, Martina Pavlova and Pete Empress play. I know my tennis history, and you are so wrong it’s embarrassing,” confirmed one screaming tennis fan in conversation with someone else, however, it was unclear from their polite tirade which side of the debate they fell on.
“Hey buddy, I honestly don’t care, I’m just here to shit on people to make myself feel better,” confirmed another tennis fan in response.
“It’s not important what was said and done, only that we can disagree about it and argue,” they added.