Here’s What’s Happened In The Syrian War Since You Tuned Out About 8 Years Ago

WHILE your own claims that other conflicts and assorted suffering wrestled your deeply empathetic eyes away from Syria are demonstrably false, it is never too late to reengage with the ceaseless death machine that is the Assad regime and its war crimes.

The indifference you’ve shown is frankly offensive, nevertheless WWN’s leading conflict correspondent Jeffrey Tiller is on hand to bring you up to speed on things:

“The latest update is I don’t think it’s great over there but it’s not bad bad if you get me”.

“That you could just casually switch off to the suffering highlights how callous people can be… hang on yeah I was right according to Wiki Assad in still in charge”.

“What were you doing instead of absorbing the Syrian people’s struggle against a tyrannical regime? Netlfix? Selfies on Instagram was it? Getting yourself some abs in the gym? The Kurds? I dunno what that is sorry, what are you on about?”

“No, yeah, I must have misheard you – the Kurds yeah…they’re eh in Rojava which is a de facto autonomous region in northeastern Syria. The region does not claim to pursue full independence but autonomy within a federal and democratic Syria… no I’m not quoting directly from Wikipedia again”.

“Oh yeah, the earthquake. That happened, let me see, yup, that wasn’t great for Syria”.

“You were probably too busy following every second of the Depp Heard trial or Love Island or Love Island: Death Trial to notice that in fact… fuck it internet is acting up … in conclusion Syria remains warry but not as warry as it once was, which is something you’d know if you weren’t so self-absorbed”.