Shops ‘Coming Soon’ To Massive Empty Shopping Centre Sure Are Taking Their Sweet Time

HAVE you ever thought about opening a shop of your very own, in a largely abandoned and empty shopping complex on the outskirts of town? If so, hundreds of units across the nation are available for you to lease right now, WWN Property can confirm.

Take Elmwood Square on the Dublin road out of Waterford for example, named after the developers found a suitably earthy and welcoming combination of ‘tree type’ and ‘shape’ that hadn’t been used for a housing estate or shopping complex in Ireland just yet.

Boasting a 9-screen cinema, a Burger King and 26 empty shopping units, the cavernous Elmwood Square currently offers consumers a 9 minute walk through an eerily empty shopping mall; and that’s where your business could fit right in.

“Right now all the shopping units have windows with massive decals showing what they could be, or what’s ‘coming soon’- lovely images of busy barber shops, retail outlets, coffee shops etc. Well, we’re thinking it might be nice to finally have some of those,” said a letting agent associated with Elmwood Square, who also manages Galway’s Beechwood Diamond and Oakbranch Rhombus in Virginia, Co. Cavan.

“We’ve had ‘coming soon’ labels on some of these units since 2014, and people are starting to think that these places aren’t coming soon, you know? Beats me why not, there’s the cinema there and a big Argos in a retail park just across the road, so where better to put your children’s clothing store or your non-franchise coffee shop? How about a Vape shop, or a mobile phone repair place? Anything. We’ll take anything you’ve got. We don’t care if you use it to launder drug money, we’ll say nothing. Just rent a unit, damn it, before the arse falls out of this whole thing”.

Until such a time as the units in Elmwood Square are filled, management have agreed to let the place be used as a setting for zombie apocalypse movies to cover the price of keeping the lights on.