Energy Company Morals Downgraded To ‘Banking’


MORAL RATINGS Agency Dooleys have downgraded Irish energy suppliers to a ‘banking level’ yesterday after yet more companies increased their prices for the umpteenth time this year, finally forcing the government to intervene.

“We’re going to make suppliers hand out free Vaseline with each bill in the hopes it makes it easier on customers being rode,” supposed Minister for the Environment Eamon Ryan confirmed, “this should ease the penetration as they continually fuck residential and business customers to oblivion without any more intervention from your elected government. You’re welcome”.

The price hikes, which will come into effect next month, have seen increases by as much as 700 per cent over the last 12 months due to the war in Ukraine, which has become a go-to excuse for just about every business in Ireland for increasing costs.

“We’re all fucked anyway so we might as well raise the prices of everything,” defended one business owner, who already owes his stones to Revenue for warehoused VAT from the Covid period, “minimum wage increases, extra bank holidays, monthly energy bills of 15k; I’m hardly going to pull the money out of my hole, so best increase the cost of my produce before the entire country goes tits up next year thanks to poor governance and nationwide greed”.

Since the start of writing this article, moral rating agency Dooleys have downgraded energy companies to an even lower than banking again, this time to Irish insurance company levels, putting banking top of the pile for the first time in 14 years.

“Yeah, banking is now above energy suppliers and insurance firms, but still comes a close second to drug cartels,” a Dooleys report concluded.