“All Of Ireland’s Long Dead Key Political Figures Would Have Thought I Was Class”

TÁNAISTE LEO Varadkar has used a speech at a commemorative event for Arthur Griffith and Micheal Collins to confirm every long dead exalted hero of Irish freedom would have loved him and hated Sinn Féin so much they’d take a big shite in Sinn Féin’s coffee.

Using the event an opportunity to score a cheap point against a political rival was seen by many as a tasteless move, and an unedifying spectacle.

“Collins is political hero of mine, we had a similar attitude to confidential information – he liked to have the location of British personnel leaked to him so he could killed them and I’m not against leaking confidential documents to mates,” said Varadkar in one section of his speech.

The display appeared even more crass as it sat in stark contrast to Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald, who has never invoked the political life and legacy of a deceased figure central to modern Ireland to highlight her own party’s righteousness and score a cheap point against a rival.

“James Connolly appeared before me in a dream, but he wasn’t James Connolly if you get me,” continued Varadkar, “his moustache wasn’t a moustache it was a made of data centres and he said if anything Fine Gael is the party of the worker now, not Labour. Oh yeah and Michael Collins said Pearse Doherty shot him and that the guards should look into it”.

Varadkar went on to recount 70 other near identical dreams involving Parnell, O’Connell, Tone, Hyde, Emmet, Pearse, Markievicz, Childers, Cosgrave, Brown, de Valera and Joe Dolan while also stating Collins, famous for orchestrating a large number of assassinations, would not believe there was ‘no alternative to war’.

Elsewhere, the political ghosts of Ireland’s past have collectively broken their longheld silence for the one and only time to tell politicians today “we’d hate every single one of you and what you claim to stand for, so for the love of Fungi stop invoking our fucking names you pack of spoofers”.