THIS WEEK’S heatwave couldn’t have been timed better, according to those looking for a distraction from a variety of possible world-ending events.
“Can’t beat a birra sun,” smiled local man Simon Scannell, relived his conversations with friends, coworkers and family are now 100% weather based earning himself a well deserved break from shitting his cacks over Chinese military manoeuvres around Taiwan.
Experts have confirmed there is no better way to draw attention away from dire humanitarian crises and potentially explosive political tensions than with a combination blistering sun burn and a deep desire for a 99.
“You can see here when the temperature hit 17 degrees all our test subjects’ contentious debate about the exploitative capitalist system completely fell apart after someone said ‘some heat in that sun’. They immediately left to have a few cans on the nearest beach,” current affairsologist Michael Mayhew explained, watching back CCTV footage from his research lab.
Were regular Irish weather conditions in place Mayhew believes the rain soaked outdoors would lead to more people being confined to their homes, hostage to news bulletins and depressing newsfeeds on their apps, whereas with warm weather the expert confirmed “every cunt is out in the sun uploading selfies”.
“On the one hand it’s terrible for those people who need us to keep our eyes fixed on injustice but on the other hand a cheeky pint of Bulmers is just what the doctor ordered,” Mayhew said, having abandoned his own research hours ago.
Other experts have confirmed that as long as the current warm weather continues, all ongoing victims of war, famine and state sponsored terror might as well be talking to a brick wall.
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