Old Half-Bags Of Cement In Dad’s Garden Might Actually Be Worth Fortune


THE soaring cost of building materials may benefit people who never throw anything out in case it ‘comes in handy’, with some hoarders of bits (and if rumour is to be believed, pieces) finding themselves sitting on a literal goldmine of half-used crap.

The government has been informed that increased costs on building materials such as metal, copper and wood have led to a slow-down in the rate of construction around the country, which would otherwise be ‘plain sailing’ with houses for everyone if it wasn’t for covid, the Ukraine war, labour shortages, and good ol’ fashioned gouging.

As such a new ‘buy back’ scheme could see anyone with a shed full of bits of timber, half-lengths of piping, gone-hard cement and old pots of paint selling these items back to the construction industry at a great profit- music to the ears of people like Waterford dad Eric Markey, who has been stockpiling old shite for years.

“I’m going to be richer than Sean Quinn at his height,” laughed Markey, who for years had to listen to his family plead with him to tidy the back yard as it was ‘very Steptoe’ in nature.

“If the government want to meet their future quota of happy property developers, then schemes like this are the only way forward. And it works out well for people like me, as we get rich off the taxpayer, and we get to stick it to our families who never believed in us when we said that all that stuff would come in handy”.

Meanwhile, anyone with a half-drum of diesel here or there has been asked to step forward to fight rising fuel costs, and if anyone has 27,000 additional construction workers willing to work for low pay hanging around, please give your local developer a shout.