Government Would Wheel Your Granny Off A Cliff If Big Tech Company Asked, Finds Report


THE GOVERNMENT would absolutely turf your grandmother over the cliffs of Moher or any other headland with gleeful abandon while shouting ‘weeeeee’ if so directed by any big multinational operating in Ireland, according to latest reporting on the issue.

“If the meek deference shown in public and private by state bodies and members of the government as well as our tax regime is anything to go by this is definitely a case of being asked to jump and saying how high, except in this case the subservience is so severe we’re talking a case of ‘we’ll fire this granny out of a cannon into the Atlantic ocean just say the words’,” shared one expert on the State’s relationship with foreign direct investment.

Experts made this assessment without even taking into account recent meetings the Tánaiste and other government officials had with Facebook, which thanks to freedom of information requests revealed Leo Varadkar reassured the social media giant about Ireland being a low tax regime.

The bit about supporting whatever Facebook wanted to do with Irish people’s data was redacted, and it is believed this desire to granny-tip will remain no matter what evidence a Facebook whistleblower gives before an Oireachtas Committee.

“To be frank, the government would take no account of the fact your granny is only a dote and knits jumpers for orphans in her spare time, there isn’t a cliff they wouldn’t fling her the feck off so that Ireland remains the country tech companies pay f-all tax in,” added the expert when we produced a picture of our granny, Bina.

When approached for comment on the claims the Department of Finance was quick to respond, stating:

“Do they have to be wheeled off the cliff from a chair? Could it be a trampoline?”, “take it as fact that this applies to vulture funds too”, “why stop at one granny?” and “shit, are you asking us this because this is something multi-nationals want? Quick, someone get on the phone – we need to redirect any buses heading to Lourdes to the nearest cliff edge!”