Local Man Hoping There’s One More Variant Left In This Thing


FOLLOWING the easing of basically all the covid restrictions that were preventing him from returning to his workplace, 33-year-old Fran O’Meara is placing all his hopes on one more twist in the pandemic that would allow him to stay at home for another few months.

O’Meara was one of thousands of WFH employees in Ireland today who received an email from their bosses discussing ‘how much we’re all looking forward to being together again’, seemingly sent minutes after the Taoiseach’s address to the nation on Friday night.

The Westmeath native is now praying that the ongoing withholding of vaccination patents will lead to a new covid variant emerging in poorer countries, prompting rich nations to impose new restrictions, thus allowing Fran to conduct his daily business in the comfort of his own home again.

“First of all, I want to address this notion that everyone is dying to get back to the office every day. Show me five people who want this, just five,” demanded O’Meara, who is willing to go all anti-vax if it means he gets to cling on to his daily lie-ins, “honestly, would it kill some lad in China to start eating bats again?”

Meanwhile bosses have outlined a phased return to work; starting tomorrow with Phase 1 being, ‘get your arse back in here’, before moving to Phase 2 tomorrow, comprising mainly of ‘you’re here to stay, get working, plebs’.