Glaciers Made Of Nothing These Days, Study Finds


NEWS that the world’s widest glacier is facing the threat of collapse has confirmed what many people have long believed; that those icy bitches ain’t shit no more.

Once considered a formidable force of nature capable of withstanding the harshest conditions on the earth, the sudden ‘retreatment’ of the Thwaites Glacier is just another example of how far glaciers have fallen from their heyday as the ‘bad boys’ of geographical phenomena.

Thwaites, which is roughly the size of the UK, is receding from all sides due to global climate change and its collapse is set to cause a rise in sea level that will affect millions of people worldwide if it doesn’t buck itself up a bit.

“We’re not asking much from a glacier. Inch along at a rate of a few inches per year, be cold, don’t flood the fucking planet” said one senior glaciologist, who isn’t mad at the Thwaites glacier, more disappointed.

“Alright, you’ve got manmade carbon emissions that are causing all of this, but any glacier worth their salts and minerals should be at least putting up a bit of a fight to hold itself together. What next? Icebergs that can’t sink ocean liners? Green fields at the North Pole? The whole world needs to harden the fuck up a bit. We won’t always be here to wipe its arse”.

Meanwhile, the Thwaites glacier is said to be undergoing therapy to help it come to terms with the changes it’s going through, leading to even more tutting from the emission-loving, old fashioned world.