Bulldozing An ATM For A House Deposit, A Guide


FOLLOWING news that the average deposit amount for first time buyers stands at €52,100, WWN looks at one the fastest ways to save up for a house in Ireland, bulldozing an ATM machine from the wall and using its contents as a down payment on your very first home.

It may seem highly illegal and morally corrupt to steal a JCB, rip a machine full of money from a wall causing criminal damage and driving away with the proceeds, but which is worse; renting for the rest of your life or the slim chance of spending 3-5 years in a cushy Irish jail with all your meals and board paid for while your deposit is stashed away waiting for your release? Exactly, so let’s get cracking.

Picking the ATM location is key to pulling this off; you don’t want to pick a local business run by a family so we would suggest sourcing a rural bank with ATM machine outside. Preferably pick the bank you’re going to get a mortgage from. After all, these bastards are going to make 150k interest from your 30-year mortgage so fair game. Don’t forget, you bailed these buckos out and they owe you 50 – 100k, at least.

For security reasons, we would suggest keeping this heist down to just you and your partner so practicing with a few ATMs around the country first is recommended. Anywhere along the border with Northern Ireland is good as this will lead police to believe the culprits are either a Republican or Loyalist gang. They’ll never suspect a Tom and Mary from Portlaw.

Once you’ve got 5 or 6 practice ATMs under your belt, then go for the big one on the Friday night of a bank holiday weekend when its full to the brim. Sure, you may already have more than enough money to pay for a house cash at this stage from your practice goes, but what if there’s another housing crash? It’s better to be safe than sorry and having enough cash stashed for a rainy day.

Okay, you’ve now successfully pulled off your heist and have a couple of hundred grand to play around with, but it begs the question, can you trust your partner now after everything that’s happened? Will she or he blab to someone about your crimes? We suggest taking out your only known witness to really make sure you don’t get caught. This will also double your kitty.

Obviously, you won’t be able to lodge this money anywhere due to it being flagged, so we would suggest sourcing underground investments like high grade cocaine and cutting it up with a mixing agent, turning 100% profits from everything you traffic into the country. Again, for security, we would suggest hiring dozens of henchmen and former criminals to help your investment continue to grow. NOTE: please also ship in some automatic guns with your cocaine shipment too as insurance. We can’t recommend handguns and assault rifles enough.

Finally, set up a range of legit businesses like car dealerships and chippers, these will allow you to launder your hard-earned cash and start running a legit bank account with your initial bank of choice. Run the account with steady lodgements of 3-4 grand a month for 6 months and then apply for your mortgage. Congratulations, you have finally made it onto the Irish property ladder.