Hospitals Told To ‘Prepare For The Worst’ After Taoiseach Asks Irish People To Use Common Sense


“HE SAID fucking what?” panicked frontline staff said after learning the Taoiseach has emphasised the role common sense will play in guidance as restrictions are lifted on nightclubs and the hospitality sector.

Already near 100% ICU capacity amid a rise in cases, staff shortages and burnout, the very last thing healthcare staff wanted to hear was that the key pillar in the fight against further overwhelming a barely functional health system relied on asking a nation of proud and passionate eejits to undo generations worth of hardwired DNA-deep lackadaisical eejitry.

“Asking Irish people to utilise their common sense is like asking a goldfish to dismantled a nuclear bomb. We’re doomed,” shared one stressed out ICU nurse who could murder a night out in Coppers, but the way things are going a night out in Coppers could murder someone else.

“Common sense? Has he met the average Irish person? My aunt Sheila drove her Micra into the sea on the way to the shops there last week… she lives in Laois! My husband has been to A&E 37 times in his life for sticking his eyes, fingers and mickey in random things! And don’t get me started on me. I recently learned the hard way you can’t put batteries in the fire,” offered one of thousands of Irish people with similar stories.

“The country that loses its mind when there’s snow? The people who lost all reason when Garth Brooks couldn’t do 5 nights in Croke Park? The nation that built a petrol station for Barack Obama? Game over man, game over,” offered another Irish person.

Gallantly refusing to add to any further confusion in regards to restriction lifting, the Taoiseach responded “toast and Mickey Mouse” when asked if he had anything to say to people within the entertainment sector trying to plan for reopening.