Just Once Could You Tell Us To Our Faces & Not Leak It To The Media, Nation Asks Government


THE NATION has confirmed it’s not too much to ask of the government, for once in its porous Swiss cheese leaking existence, to directly inform individuals, communities, businesses and healthcare professionals via official government channels of changes to restrictions in a timely manner rather than slyly drip feeding it out through the media.

“We’ve given you a decade plus heads up to your face about how the health service is made of saw dust. And we told you antigen testing existed a year ago, so c’mon fair is fair. We just want you to return a favour by giving us a heads up too,” shared a nation.

While the Taoiseach has said he condemns any leaks to media he refused to comment on the rumour that a sitting minister was seen striding through Irish Independent offices armed with a marching band and a megaphone while screaming “hear ye, hear ye”.

“We’ve spent weeks asking you if our national tours, indoor and outdoor events, nightclub reopenings can go ahead and nothing but deaf ears,” remarked the country’s lucrative entertainment sector, “but you’re like Lucy Looselips after 15 G&Ts when you’re an ‘anonymous’ source in the media”.

Such is level of persistent leaking, some cabinet ministers have sought treatment for repetitive strain injuries suffered by their thumbs after non stop texting with journalists.

UPDATE: In an attempt to flush out who is leaking to the press, the Taoiseach gave each minister their own individual ‘psst, don’t tell anyone but’ made up restriction-related secret. However, his plan failed as all 14 of the secrets were leaked to the press including the one he gave only to himself.