Health Fucked No Matter What You Do, Finds Study

SENIOR health officials have recommended that everyone should crack into the gin and the quarter pounders as soon and as often as possible, ‘for all the difference it makes’ in the grand scheme of things.

The announcement comes following research that suggests that exercising may cause high levels of calcium in coronary arteries, leading to a greater risk of ‘the same damn heart attacks that exercising was supposed to prevent’.

“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, isn’t it?” posed one doctor we spoke to, while chain-smoking fags while necking Pernod straight from the bottle because why not.

“One week we tell people, ‘don’t eat fatty foods’. Then it’s ‘oh, some are good for you’. ‘Don’t drink alcohol’, then ‘well, some is beneficial in moderation’. Don’t vape, don’t smoke, don’t take those pills, do take these pills, walk a lot but not too much, stay fit but don’t get injured… Listen, I hate to break it to you, but we’re all going in the fucking ground. Do whatever you want”.

Meanwhile, a breakthrough revelation that occurred to our doctor friend while off his face may be the answer to living the lifestyle you want without fear of heart problems.

“Stents for everyone!” he roared, pissed as a fart.

“Why are we giving people stents after they’ve had heart attacks? Stick ’em in every fucker that wants them. Stent them heart tubes open, then you can run, walk, fuck, eat, drink, and bungee jump as much as you damn well like. Stents, ya bastards!”

The doctor then asked us if we knew anyone who sold coke, before remembering he had ‘a whole buncha morphine’ back in the clinic.