‘Restrictions Gone By Christmas’ & Other Promises The Government Probably Shouldn’t Be Making


WITH Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly talking up the likelihood of having all current Covid-19 restrictions lifted by Christmas time this year if not earlier, WWN has looked into other promises the government should probably hold off on committing to.

The promises include:

Locating the burial site of Shergar.

Eradicating all ‘bits’ in orange juice by the end of the year.

Claiming that if anything data centres are more environmentally friendly than a tree, it’s nothing to worry about.

Implementation of a government mandated high five from a celebrity of your choosing whenever you feel like you need a bit of a lift.

Guaranteed return of the six counties by the end of the week.

A ban on all bank ads featuring elderly woman being forced to downsize by their prick of a son.

Any version of the “we will redouble our efforts to treat survivors of Mother & Baby Homes with respect, and seek speedy resolutions to any concerns” phrase.

The fact that maybe it wasn’t Maybelline, maybe it was you all along!

A pledge to stop using the term ‘affordable rent’ for a €2500 a month 3-bed home.

“Yes, we will fund the Pixar movie version of Wally the Walrus”.

€2 pints in pubs.

A pledge to hold a referendum on removing the depressing interviews part of the Late Late Show, only leaving the remaining five minutes which is usually an interview with an existing RTÉ employee.

A pledge to bring an end to that really annoying habit hard butter has of failing to spread on a piece of bread, which instead causes chaos ripping the slice to shreds.

“You know when you just about catch up to the bus in time but the driver pretends he doesn’t see you even though he does and then he drives off, like a prick, well, we’ll stop that”.

Return Freddo bars back to their pre-scandalous price inflation price point.