Army Sent In To Cull Coffee Vans As Herd Grows Too Big


HAVING reached a dangerous tipping point according to local ecologists, authorities have been left with no choice other than to bring in army snipers to cull the nation’s out of control coffee van herd.

Growing at what has been described as an exponential rate in recent years, coffee vans are an invasive species changing the fragile ecosystem of a number of Irish cities and towns.

“Used to be a novelty when you’d see one, you nudge whoever you were with to say look, even approach it out of curiosity but now they’re more common than urban foxes and more annoying than seagulls,” explained one amateur coffee van watcher.

Known for their distinct signage, and generator fueled mating call, the Irish coffee van is known to seek out people in a bid to live off spare euros people willingly part with, but have been known to engage in aggressive rutting and beeping of horns when contesting territory.

“Give me the nod and it’s lights out,” said one army sniper as they eyed a van in the wild through a sight. This is a scene which will be repeated around the country in the coming weeks as coffee vans continue to materialise out of thin air and converge on spaces where people are known to gather in steady volumes.

“I don’t take any pleasure in this,” explained one sniper, “it’s not something you get a kick out of but when I hear that some are charging 4 euro for an Americano… well, the trigger practically pulls itself”.