Describing What Live Bands And Pubs Were Like To Your Future Grandchildren


DO you remember things called ‘live music’, ‘venues’ and ‘pubs’? If so you are being urged by Ireland’s historical society to help document all of your experiences in the hopes of educating future generations about entertainment in the pre-pandemic world.

WWN has compiled this handy guide to help you describe those distant memories to your grandchildren in the hopes of understanding what exactly went wrong with the early 21st century society.

Back when they operated without restriction, bars and venues usually used the now lost term ‘five deep at the bar’ to describe how ‘packed’ they were, referring to the lines of people queuing for drink.

This was hailed as a good thing despite the now anxiety inducing imagery of large crowds of people huddled together. In fact, most gigs were spent queuing shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers for alcohol and shouting ‘when you’re ready’ at slow moving bar staff who simply picked out who’s next in line by whoever was the angriest.

Due to these magical places being in such high demand, most venues had large muscular men dressed in black and smelling like Lynx Africa guarding their doors.

These men were tasked with judging footwear into various social classes, with the bottom class type being trainers, which would usually be met with a ‘not tonight mate’, or ‘you’ve had enough’. However, ingenious working-class hackers could bypass this by simply putting their socks on over their trainers, rendering the muscle-bound brain guarding entry to a premises useless.

Once through the door, the person would be stamped with an ink stamp, or if they didn’t behave inside, stamped by a size 12 shoe on their head by the same doormen.

Unless incredibly famous most assembled musicians, called ‘a band’ back then, would play cover versions of popular songs of the era without ever contributing to copyright.

In most towns, the same five musicians made up the majority of the 200 bands in the area and insisted on being paid cash in hand to avoid losing their social welfare payments. Of course, this was a different time when the government was not publicly executing people for defrauding the system.

Despite the vast quantity of alcohol consumed at these venues, a total of 3 toilets were deemed enough to facilitate the hundreds of revellers, resulting in layers of urine and faeces being smeared all around the tiny cubicles.

In fact, the cleanest part of these bathrooms was the top of the cistrons, which were used for pharmaceutical purposes.

These toilets were usually marked by queues of gurning men and women, passing around the same rolled up note, which later became a crime under legislation introduced by Micheál Martin Jnr Jnr in 2054.

Contrary to evidence that it caused anti-social behaviour and violence, pubs and venues were made close their doors at the same time in the early morning, forcing hundreds to the streets to gorge on fried processed food in establishments called ‘chippers’, which were later banned following the Vegan Rising and Civil War of 2028.

It is believed ‘closing time’ was to keep Gardaí busy, as they had no other crimes to be dealing with at the time.

Of course, in 2032, the government started putting alcohol in the water supply after the landslide victory of the ‘Should We Put Alcohol In The Water Supply’ referendum, which killed both the off licence and bar industry along with 3 million Irish citizens.