Only Matter Of Time Before Johnson Contracts New Covid Strain

HEALTH experts have warned the British public to prepare itself for the entirely unavoidable and easily predictable news that their prime minister Boris Johnson will have contracted the new strain of Covid-19 recently identified in the UK.

“He’s already said the new strain is a benefit of Brexit, allowing Britons to freely trade the strain with one another, tariff free,” shared one leading health official, who has already headed to the hospital where the NHS have pre-booked Johnson his usual bed ahead of the inevitable.

Johnson was identified as ‘certain to contract the new strain’ after health officials stated that ‘only a gormless idiot with unique talent for pea brained stupidity’ would catch Covid-19 a second time.

“We’ve asserted our sovereignty over this new strain, and try as the EU might to make getting it a part of the Brexit trade deal, we won’t give it to them,” a proud Johnson said in an address to the media earlier this morning.

Earlier, an emotional Health Secretary Matt Hancock appeared on Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan to confirm that he was moved, wiping away definitely not fake tears at video footage of the mass rollout of the new strain just in time for Christmas.

Asked about why Britain was the first nation to develop and rollout of this particular strain Education Secretary Gavin Williamson confirmed “it’s because we’re better than all those other countries” in an interview on LBC radio, on the same day UNICEF delivered food to impoverished children in the UK for the first time in its history.