Moderna Vaccine 94.5% Effective, To Come With Free Bike Reflectors


IN THE SUREST sign yet that the market for effective Covid-19 vaccines has become increasingly competitive, pharmaceutical producer Moderna have announced that not only is their mRNA vaccine 94.5% effective but it will also come with a free toy.

“These arms aren’t going to prick themselves with vaccines, we need to entice people beyond just ‘this is the key to ending the pandemic’, we’ve got to give the public a more tangible reward,” explained Moderna CEO Stephane Bancel, carrying boxes full of cheap but enticing looking toys.

“If it works for Happy Meals, Kinder Surprises and all breakfast cereals why can’t it work for vaccines? And I’ll be damned if those Pfizer executives are the only ones to get filthy rich off this stuff,” confirmed Bancel.

Pfizer are believed to have all but secured the lucrative demographic of men over 50 with their offering of a free blue pill with every vaccine, leaving Moderna to make a big play for those easily swayed by the promise of a free toy.

“Oh my God mom, mom, mom can we get the Moderna vaccine?” joyfully screeched one child as they saw a Moderna ad promising vaccine takers a cool bike reflector, dinosaur, train or rocket.

Experts are describing the good news of the dueling jabs as the vaccine industry’s ‘Oasis vs Blur, Adidas v Nike, Coke v Pepsi’ moment.

“And of course that third vaccine from Oxford that everyone’s forgotten about is Supergrass, Puma, Dr. Pepper. All perfectly fine, but you’re going to get bullied in school for liking it, y’know,” confirmed expert, who admits the nerds really have been knocking it out of the park of late with this vaccine stuff.