Violent Clashes Continue Between Mayo & Louth As They Fight To Claim Biden


VIOLENT SKIRMISHES between two counties that believe themselves to be the one true ancestral home of US President elect Joe Biden have entered a 5th day.

An unsuspecting Ballina, the frontline location for ‘he’s from Mayo’, suffered a fresh ambush this morning from Carlingford in Louth as a battle to the death for bragging rights over Biden becomes bloodier and bloodier as the hours tick by, prompting calls from the UN for both sides to come to the negotiating table and reach a compromise.

“We can’t stress how volatile this situation is, but when you consider what’s at stake; the victor building a Joe Biden Plaza, you can understand why both sides have invested in tanks and grenade launchers,” explained one military expert shielding themselves from shrapnel.

Initially the clashes were isolated to genuine distant relatives of Biden, numbering only 5 people, but when both sides began recruiting people claiming to be related to the next US president, the numbers in battles swelled to 187,000.

“I’m fighting in this battle ‘cus I owe it to the local economy,” said one Mayo woman going over the trenches with a knife between her teeth, hoping her side could triumph and that Ballina would be the one true location for a rip off gift shop with Joe Biden masks and commemorative fridge magnets.

“Over my dead body you Sam Maguire allergic bastards,” screamed a Louth man on the other side, who would fight to his dying breath to secure a legitimate claim to Biden, the type that would bring bus loads of American tourists to his county to stare at the spot Biden’s great-great-great-great-great grand-third cousin took a shit.