Sending Half Your Child To School, A Guide

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WITH PUBLIC transport running at 50% capacity ahead of schools reopening, WWN looks at how to halve your children safely, making sure that they arrive on time without their upper torso to guide them.

Situated directly in the naval cavity, press down on the belly button for 10 seconds until you hear a loud beep. The child’s eyes should now be flashing with a blue LED light, indicating it is now safe to gently twist the top half of the child in an anticlockwise direction. Depending on the size of your child, it may take one or more people to separate your child.

Once fully detached, place the top half of your child in a cool dry place. You will need this later in the day when the bottom half returns. Children will also be protected from contracting any diseases if only the bottom half is sent.

Due to the automotive nature of legs, you will notice your child’s legs will just randomly walk around everywhere without its upper half. Unfortunately, you will have to personally guide the child onto the half capacity school bus and arrange with the school for a teacher or assistant to meet your child’s legs getting off the bus as bottom halves of children have a tendency to just wander off in any direction. NOTE: It may be beneficial to dress your children in their old school clothes, the ones you always claimed ‘could walk to school by themselves at this stage’. This will allow a child be guided to school without need for school buses, or parents.

We recommend strapping their school bags around their ankles and if possible use bags with wheels for easy dragging. Recent trials of halving children have found that some bottoms halves get mixed up during transport, so label your child’s legs before sending off. This solves any embarrassment later when reattaching the wrong child’s legs to the wrong body. In one such incident during trials, a family refused to give back a senior hurlers son’s bottom half, with their child now tipped to make the under 12s team.

“There will be teething problems at the start, but as time goes by, everything will be ironed out,” advised Minister for Education and Skills Norma Foley about the new government’s half measures.

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